Triangles in Bowen Theory
How to Live in and Through Relationship Difficulties
Triangles, like anxiety itself, tend to catch people unawares. You most likely won't realize you are in one until it is too late. But triangles are not good or bad, they just are. The trick is recognizing them.
A Three-Legged Stool
A stool with two legs is unstable and prone to collapse. But put another leg on there and you have just created stability. A two-person relationship is inherently unstable. Humans will automatically triangle in a third person (often unawares) to relieve the anxiety. Dan Papero, Ph.D., worked and studied with Dr. Murray Bowen for many years. In his outstanding book, Bowen Family Systems Theory, Dr. Papero writes: "The concept of the triangle addresses the automatic movement of individuals to maintain the degree of involvement or noninvolvement with another that allows them the greatest freedom from anxiety. It also addresses the mechanisms involved in anxiety transfer and arousal of the broader family group." So persons will bring in another to alleviate their own anxiety.
Interlocking and Permanent
Triangles in relationships are interlocking. Look at any three-person relationship and somewhere behind that you will find another. And another. And then more. Bowen and Kerr explain it this way: "In a calm family, anxiety can be contained mostly in one central triangle. Under stress, however, the anxiety spreads to other family triangles and to triangles outside the family in the work and social systems." Another aspect of the triangle is that it is a permanent phenomenon. Bowen and Kerr also write, "Triangles are forever, at least in families." That would appear to mean that the human race is stuck with them and getting used to the idea is a healthy response. Once again, relationship triangles are neither good nor bad, they simply are. If you can spot them ahead of time, then your chances of managing yourself better in them are much better.
Triangles Can Involve Both Man and Beast
With respect to triangles, it's easy to think in terms of human relationships. But there are decades of research supporting the presence of triangles in animal species (Dr. Bowen once said that whenever he got stuck, he would "go back to the animals" for answers to his questions) and even human-animal triangles. A triangle can even be completed by a thing. One's profession, for example. If Mr. and Mrs. Jones are not getting on well, Mr. Jones may use his work to relieve his anxiety.
Neutrality and the Differentiation of Self
If you can be neutral in the triangle, then you have the opportunity to demonstrate your level of Differentiation of Self in that moment. Your neutrality within triangles is enhanced by your willingness to avoid taking sides and your ability to stay clear-headed and think for self without altering your viewpoint to serve another. At some point the ability to "de-triangle" will become easier and your tendency to take responsibility for self and self only will be understood and appreciated as a high level of personal growth.
Sources:
Kerr, Michael E. and Bowen, Murray. Family Evaluation. New York: W.W.Norton & Company, 1988.
Papero, Daniel V. Bowen Family Systems Theory. Needham Heights: Allyn and Bacon, 1990.
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